BROKEN – But I will rebuild me!
Intro – Why?
So here it is, it is Thursday morning, March 15, 2018, Day 3 of my magical journey of recovery. After a few posts Sam Laprade, a friend, suggested on Facebook that I should write a journal and Toby Stiles, another friend and Canadian zoo legend, suggested I take the time to write a book. Very quickly after Sam’s post, one of my brothers good friends from when we were little people, which made him a mutual friend of mine, Kory Steward piped in to say, “I second that Pauly…. That’s something I’d read”. Now, if you knew Kory Steward when we were pre teens and teens you would remember that Kory was probably one of the coolest kids east of Bank Street in Ottawa. Long flowing locks of dark rocker hair, excellent hockey player and simply a great guy. Now, I haven’t seen Kory in person since high school and a few years ago we reconnected on Facebook and we have both come along way from swinging our heads at a gymnasium wall in unison rocking out to Come On Feel the Noise by Quiet Riot at St Mathew’s High School. And to be clear, I did my best but really could not keep up with the Matthew Dowds & Kory Stewards of the world. I was never that cool. I was a young, still somewhat awkward, early teen trying to find his place in an ever evolving world yet my exceptional older brother, who was a relatively quiet, easy going, fabulous natural athlete was always including me with his peers and graciously always dragged his enthusiastic little brother behind. The mystique of the super cool peers from your adolescence really never goes away. If Kory Steward will read this. I will write it just for that reason. If only Kory reads it, I have truly become cool…. And maybe some of the other Mathew Dowds, Jonathan Hobbs, Kent Rowes, Mark Dubes, Robyn Day’s, Alanna’s etc will read it too.
The Back Story
Now, as most people I know recognize, I am an avid outdoors person and in particular an avid skier and cyclist. I love all skiing and although I did race downhill in my youth I quickly discovered a true love for Nordic skiing and racing. It was something about being outside in the forest. The quiet, the deep breaths in the oxygen rich cold air, and the absolute beauty of a snow covered forest in the winter. Yes I love downhill and speed but you know what. I LOVE earning the descents. Yes, what you can do in alpine gear is far superior but the reward of a long exhausting climb on Nordic skis to be followed up by a hair raising, adrenaline filled steep descent at high speeds on tiny pieces of timber with no ankle support and a free heal….. well maybe I’m a glutton for punishment and I am certain a lot of readers won’t get it but I LOVE the exhilaration, exhaustion, beauty and freedom of Nordic skiing and I am sharing that love with my now, 3 7 year olds, RaeLynn, Walter, and Hope. (NOTE: On the off chance you are reading this and do not know me personally. I am the father of triplets. But that is another story.)
I would love to tell you that my children LOVE Nordic skiing as much as their father. But you know what, the reality is, that I don’t know that most kids do love the idea of pushing themselves along the snow, off balanced, tired and cold, only to receive a couple cookies or a handful of gummies at the half way point and finish line. Don’t get me wrong. They have fun, most of the time, but with 3 7 year olds, in the last 4 years I can not remember a single time when all 3 were happy at the same time Nordic skiing. “My hands are cold”, “My legs are tired”, “I hate skiing”, “I hate you”. And so on and so on. Any parent gets it. Now my favourite outburst ever was from RaeLynn “Daddy, these conditions are not properly groomed, you promised better conditions”… Me, “Really RaeLynn, you’re 7, be quiet and keep skiing or daddy is going to feed you to a coyote” lol… All this to say the kids actually do love Nordic skiing at times but it is in spurts. There is always one struggling and my role, as their father with them being so young, is to make this fun. So I struggle to do anything to keep the one triplet who has flopped on the snow crying happy while the other 2 ski ahead. I would like to tell you that we Nordic ski as a ‘family’ but that is not the case. If one is not having fun and falling behind. The other 2 don’t care. It is like we are climbing Everest and in the death zone. It is every skier to themselves. Once one starts struggling, the others are smurf’em, we lost that one. We must go on. I’m not going to lie, it is a struggle and at times very frustrating but it is my job to make it fun and to instil a love of Nordic skiing as I know the absolute beauty and rewards it will pay in life as they become older.
Now, Nordic skiing aside, I do want my kids to learn to alpine ski very well at a young age as this is another skill/activity, that can bring great joy and they do love it. And this is another GREAT outdoor family activity, caring equipment aside, is a lot easier on the parent than Nordic skiing. Easy to say if you give a child, including Team Trilogy, a choice to go Alpine or Nordic skiing…. It is a no brainer. They will choose Alpine but occasionally I get lucky and a little excited as one says “cross country” only to be quickly outvoted by the other 2. So we have a deal. Yes you can down hill ski but only if you cross country ski so the kids have been in both Alpine and Nordic lessons for the past 3 winters and really are doing well at both. Now for daddy, as much as I LOVE the exhilaration of down hill skiing I am not a sit still kind of guy. So much so that I get antsy sitting on the chair lift. I will go to Camp Fortune which is about a 7 minute drive from my house early in the morning. Put skins on the bases of my alpine touring skis, which are basically downhill skis that you can release the back of the boot to walk upright and the back of your binding so they function as cross country skis and climb Camp Fortune a couple times, take the skins off, lock my boot and binding down, and ski down before they open (Ps. I have a pass and they don’t mind). Sitting on the chair lift is not something I have ever loved. Simply, I get bored… but queue 2017/2018.
Over the last couple years our little family based business somehow, accidently, in spite of myself, miraculously, etc, has grown leaps and bounds with us booking major shorter and long term contracts across North America and we are now getting inquiries from museums around the world to bring in some of our exhibits. It has been a great year professionally and finally I have got all the pieces in place to stop doing the lions share of the marketing, contracts, growth management etc. I have a great team in place that I can manage but we are just coming to the end of that transition. This past winter has been the last of the pieces being not just put in place but fully trained up to a level that I can simply let go. With this being said, from December through to the trip that has motivated this story I have been busy and away a lot. Working old school hours but I was focused and could see the horizon. I could see what the future held and everything Sheri and I had worked for over the past 23 years was coming to fruition making it easy to buckle down for what felt like a sprint to the finish line with impossible deadlines and insurmountable road blocks along the way. As for ‘impossible’ and ‘insurmountable’… well as long as you believe nothing is impossible, nothing really is. Ironcically enough, it was in this chaos, when I was pushing my mental and physical capacity to the limit that I found something that truly relaxed me, a new true love, and that love and relaxation was the chair lift...
Chair lift rides stopped making me impatient and anxious, I fell in love with the chair lift, the rythmn, peace, and focus, or lack of focus you are allowed on the chair lift. It became my happy place. This winter, I would often get up between 4 and 5 in the morning and leave shortly after to get work done and it wasn’t unusual for me to get home at 6 to 10 at night on some days. I would often try and stop in the middle for an hour or 2 to do something for me and to make sure I could go to piano, Jiu Jitsu, ski lessons, etc with the kids or simply be home for dinner with the family before I worked again. In all of this I still managed to do a good job of being present when I was with the family. Which if you think about it, is WAY more important than being ‘there’. And the chair lift…. Well it became the ultimate of being present with the kids. We would ride the lifts up. There are no distractions. Nobody else in the room engaging with us. No desire to draw, play the piano, watch TV, grab an iPad, eat, etc. It was just us. Me and the 3 kids on the chair lift. No cell phone, no emails, just me and the kids. And really, if you think about it, the chairlift is boring as smurf , it really is. Unless you make it your time. We would play games, talk about their days, play eye spy from a birds eye view of a forest and hills beneath us…. Wait a minute this isn’t all that bad. It is incredible from up here. “Hey guys… Look back… We live right over there… there is Gatineau River, the highway, look at the hills and valley’s for as far as the eye can see.” It became amazing and true daddy time with the loves of my life. And then, as fast as we got on we were off. Hope and Walter screaming down the hill as fast as they can. Man, their Nana would have a heart attack if she saw what, how, and where those 2 ski. And then there is RaeLynn…. God I love her but try to get her to do anything quickly. She would casually, ski side to side, chatting all the way down to anyone who would listen or to herself cruising to the bottom at her own pace while Hope and Walter wait. Me, I would wait and watch from the top let RaeLynn get some distance and then find the perfect steepest line I can and make some hard carving highest speed possible turns to get as much burn and adrenaline going as possible in the 30 to 45 second before we get back on the lift. This became my happy place this winter. A place of quiet uninterrupted time with myself and my children. And even without them. I often would stop at Camp Fortune by myself if I had a half hour to kill on my way in or out of Chelsea. I would take a few runs, get the adrenaline and heart going and then sit on the chairlift and quietly reflect, plan my day, and enjoy the beauty of where I was. Alpine skiing became meditative for me this winter and is probably what allowed me to keep the mental focus to successfully complete what were some of the tightest, and most important deadlines of my professional career. Ironically enough… in the boredom of the chair lift I found the capacity to truly relax and reflect. And in all of this I realized that this could be one of the greatest outdoor family activities in the world, especially if you have young children. Queue ski vacation Jay Peak Vermont… great conditions or not, it was going to be awesome.
Ground Zero
Aka Sunday, March 11, 2018 - The last day of our trip
What an amazing trip. It was our last day, day 4, at Jay Peak in Northern Vermont. Now don’t get me wrong. We have 3 highly competitive, strong willed and often defiant 7 year olds. We had those wonderfully frustrating moments of tired, hungry, whiny kids who think they want to be doing anything but what they are doing or be anywhere but where they are. “I’m tired…. I don’t want to ski anymore… I want to go to the chalet… etc…” Me, “Well that ain’t gonna happen, eat this cookie and sit your cute little behind on this lift. We are going up there.” And then 10 minutes later they are having a blast skiing through the trees or down a mogule run. The good news is, for a dad who is dreaming of ski vacations, when I had finally accepted the fact that I would have to permanently ski slowly with RaeLynn something snapped in her. She literally started to ski better and fast. And not just a little better and fast. By the end of the second day RaeLynn was generally speaking out skiing her brother and sister and not just with speed but with technique. Apparently during those slow, calculated, verbally babbling runs of winters before she was honing some major ski technique which garnered her the name ‘Shred-Zilla ‘ and at the same time, the great Momma-Saurus-Rex, Sheri, was honing some of her skills. Sheri was never an avid skier and she admittedly would tell you she is a nervous beginner skier and I can honestly say that I saw her develop into an beginner/intermediate skier over a short period.
We literally could not have picked a better week for a family trip with friends to Jay Peak. Sheri, Team Trilogy, the Veinotte family (Vic, Denise, Piaper, and Fion-ski) and I had booked a ski in ski out chalet and we were greeted by 4 straight day of snow and the best alpine ski conditions I have experienced in recent memories. Wonderful long runs, knee deep fresh fluffy powder and incredible glades skiing. Needless to say, I have the capacity to ski in steep, advanced/expert terrain where I would not bring my children and I did have the opportunity to take some time to ski with Vic, his family, and another family we met up with on some more advanced runs over the first 3 days but I did end up spending the majority of my days skiing with the kids. My role, priority and desire was to make sure the kids and Sheri had the best time possible to ensure many more ski vacations and getaways were in our future. I am certain when going to Jay Peak that a lot of Sheri was still thinking that a beach in Mexico would be a better idea and I can tell you in the end, Sheri and I were having a blast skiing with the family and then Day 4, Sunday morning came. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to ski with the kids that morning. But the snow….
It had snowed all night, I was up early, 2 hours before the lifts and going for coffee and walked out the door to see that there was a foot and a half of snow on the steps outside the condo, I didn’t want to be selfish but I had to get up there for a little bit of ‘me time’ so I made the plan to spend the first 3 hours skiing with Vic, Piaper and Fion-Ski and we would meet Sheri, Denise, and Team Trilogy at 11:00 for lunch, ski a few more hours, and head home. Everyone agreed this would be a great idea and shortly after 8:00 we were on a high speed quad just short of the summit to ski glades runs in the powder. For those out there that don’t ski, glades runs are not open traditional groomed runs. They are designated forest sections where they leave the big trees and often clear out the understory which allows you to ski through trees. At any significant pitch these are considered runs for advanced/expert skiers but resorts like Jay Peak do have beginner glades runs for intermediate skiers to test out as well. The top of the mountain… that is where the ‘real’ glades lie.
It had been a great morning. Legs were burning, heart rate was up, conditions were nothing short of spectacular. We had just finished our 4th run, checked our watches and realized we had time for one more. We all agreed to go back to Everglades, a run we had already done 2 times before in different sections. It seemed the most untouched and was relatively steep but more open with clearer lines allowing you to carry more speed and what a great run it was. We had reached the bottom and we were no longer in a tough section. It wasn’t steep. We had completed the heart of the run and now we were in a relatively flat section where we were going to traverse along the forest to come out on a green circle (easiest) traditional open groomed run that would take us to the lodge for lunch. We were exhilarated and couldn’t have asked for a better morning. I was casually pushing myself along. Vic, Piaper, and Fion-ski were a little ahead of me as I zig zagged my way down. I was pretty much casually standing on my skis, enjoying the beautiful conditions and forest looking for any tiny increase in slope to get any hit of increased speed. I couldn’t have been going 10 km/hr when my left ski under the snow hit something and it stopped immediately throwing my left let straight back over my hip with my ski releasing as it became perpendicular with the ground. The momentum of this threw my upper body over the front of my right ski which was still moving . In an instant I was precariously trying to keep my balance on my right ski with all my weight over top with my right leg fully extended pressed against the front of my Dynafit Vulcan (great boot and had to give it a plug) with my left leg straight back over my hip. I felt like an Olympic figure skater in the 80’s but in the end I was also twisting from the momentum of the impact on my left ski and then, out of nowhere, my right ski, under the powder hit something and it stopped instantaneous. The twisting, combined with extended knee position combined with weight forward and instantaneous stop was too much and I immediately felt and heard the pop and twist as my Tibia let go and my leg snapped over the boot. Now, if you have experienced something like this. It is truly amazing how your mind works. Everything was in slow motion and what probably took 0.5 seconds I can recount like it was 15 seconds. As I am now falling, twisting, with my tibia snapped over my book I feel and hear the second pop as I fall twisiting into the powder. I knew I had broken my tibia and was 95% certain that I had just broke my fibula as well snapping my leg in 2. But here is the thing. What I can tell you from breaking my leg in the avalanche and then having my ski come off is that the sensation and sound of breaking your leg, the pop feels and sounds like your binding coming off. So there I was, face down in powder knowing I had significantly snapped my Tibia and was hoping by some miracle that wasn’t my fibula but the sensation of the further release of my body over the boot after the pop had me doubting it.. I felt limited pain and took a deep break. I was focused on the fibula. I tried to move my leg in the snow which confirmed my suspicions. My ski had not released and I had indeed snapped both bones in my right leg.
I immediately called down to Vic, Piaper, and Fion-ski to tell them that I was OK but I had broken my leg. I was calm and collected. At first Vic didn’t’ believe me. I’m sure he was thinking. How could he possibly break his leg in here? He asked again where I was and I responded again with, “I am up here and I have significantly broken my leg. My leg is snapped in 2.” And I then apologized to them from afar as I was ending our vacation a few hours early but assured them all and all I was OK. Vic told me there were on my way up to where I was. At this point I started to feel some discomfort as I looked down and saw my ski in the snow with my leg and foot turned sideways. I wouldn’t say I was in a ton of pain as much as it was really uncomfortable. Fion-ski, 13 years old, was the first one to make it to me and quickly and calmly jumped in beside me to ask what he could do. He was calm and confident in spite of seeing what could be a bit of a gruesome site for some which was impressive from a 13 year old. I asked him to remove my binding and he asked what about your leg. I simply said I don’t care how you do it I need the ski off and he proceed to immediately remove the binding while moving my leg as little as possible. The binding releasing allowed my foot to come back to a more netural ‘looking’ position and allowed me to comfortably role onto my back on the snow with my leg naturally higher than my head. This would become the I would spend the next hour or so in.
Now Vic, who is the perfect guy to have in these situations, past military medic, calm, completely unemotional, incapable of love (just kidding buddy), and hyper focused immediately set up his skis in an ‘x’ above our position so no one would come skiing through and hit us accidently. He told Piaper and Fionn-ski to stay together and ski to the ski patrol and try to bring them back to us. I got my cell phone out and called the resort who put me through to the ski patrol and I was able to give them a general position of where we were. I then checked the time and saw it was 5 minutes to 11:00. My family was going to be waiting for us. I texted Sheri to tell her that I had broke my leg. I would be a while on the mountain and to have lunch and take the kids back out skiing. Now Sheri didn’t see this until about 11:15, when she does, she thinks we are kidding and just shredding up prime conditions and proceeds to text me to tell me to get a watch and ask where we were. I think it was the second or third message saying not kidding. I have severely broken my leg and can not move when she started to believe it. Good news is she apologized for everything she said to Denise, the kids, and our server about me while waiting impatiently in the chalet. I do still love you baby.
As the ski patrol tried to find us in the forest first on scene was Russ, a more than 20 year ski patrol veteran, probably in his early 50’s and he was on telemark skis. The second I saw that I knew I was in good hands. Some dude in his 50’s on telemark skis… Here’s the thing. Everyone I know who telemark skis are outdoor enthusiasts who spend time in the forest. These people live outside and they all know how to survive outside and Russ would be no different. He was excellent. Assured me they would have me out soon, checked my head, back, neck, even though I assure him they were fine. Piaper and Fion-ski, although they tried, could not relocate our position with the patrol but after about 40 minutes Russ was able to guide Dave with the sled and Sarah to us and they proceeded to get a splint on and get me safely secured on the sled and out to the green circle run we were adjacent too. These guys were nothing short of exceptional. I can not say enough about the care and attention to detail I received on the hill and the long journey to the chalet.
Pain….. Now here is the thing with ‘Pain’…. I do not think that dealing with pain is an act of toughness as much as it is an act of your bodies efficiency to produce what is required to deal with pain. I LOVE super hot food. Stuff that people can barely smell let alone eat. A few years ago I read an article on people who love hot food and it outlined how people who love and are ‘addicted’ to hot food are not addicted to the food. It is the endorphin rush their body can produce to deal with the pain that they are addicted to. You are getting high from the pain killers your body is producing. And if you love hot food, you are good at it. Not the food or spice itself and this made sense. When I broke both bones in my right leg 2 years ago in the avalanche I simply tightened my boot and was able to walk part of the way out. Albeit my injury was not near as significant as this one. More cracks than breaks. As for this time, a far more substantial injury, yes it hurt! but beside the times when they were moving my leg it wasn’t excruciating for me. I was uncomfortable but could talk, joke around, and be relatively calm but walking would have been out of the question. Obviously. At one point in time the ski patrol said to me, “Dude you are one tough cookie” and my response was that I just think my body is really good at producing adrenaline and endorphins when I need them. I was uncomfortable but surviving…. But then…. they had to take off my boot.
By the time they had got me down to the lodge in their medical room Sheri and Team Trilogy were not far behind. Mommy, had that shit eating, you are a jack ass grin look on her face and as she asked me how I was doing she smiled with love and affection while shaking her head. I could see the love and admiration behind along side the ‘you are an idiot’ smile. Walter, looked cautious but at the same time excited with the situation asking if I was OK. Like his father, he would think this will be a cool story to tell. And my little princesses Hope and Shred-Zilla (aka RaeLynn), well they looked unsure as they saw their daddy layed out on a stretcher. In my mind, and theirs I am sure, dads are supposed to be invincible. They are not supposed to be vulnerable. They both came over and gave me a kiss, RaeLynn brushed my hair and said, “Sorry you broke your leg daddy… but you will be OK”. Shortly after they departed with Ms Denise and Fion-ski to leave Sheri with me for the assessment. I answered some questions for them and then they advised me that they had to take the boot off to ensure there was not a compound fracture. There was no signs of bleeding internally or externally but they had to get the boot off to confirm. Needless to say arterial bleeding in your leg would not be a good thing. At this point in time the pain was still manageable. They practiced taking my left boot off to figure out how they would get the right boot off and they realized it was going to be tight and not easy. I had Dynafit alpine touring boots which are amazing but have very specific systems for use and getting on and off. Unless you have them, they are tough to figure out but I did my best to show them. After figuring out the gadgets on my boots they were ready to open my second boot. When it open it was obvious to the ski patrol looking in and myself looking down that the bone was displaced and this was going to hurt.
Now you can be tough but things like this, on your own leg, I had to look away and I wasn’t stupid. I realized at this moment that if my bones are not attached in my lower leg, when they pull the boot, they will pull my leg, and hence my bones, apart. This was going to hurt. In the next minute they had planned their attack. One patrol would reach into my boot and do his best to hold my lower leg in place as 2 other stretch my ridiculously tight boot open and pulled it off. And here is the thing. No pain killers. No advil, no Tylenol but internal bleeding can be a life and death situation. They had to get it off. I can now safely say this was the by far 5 times more painful than anything I have ever experienced. They went slow and thoroughly to do their best to ensure no further internal injuries. As they pulled I could feel my leg separating and bones grinding against each other. There was almost a battle between them pulling the boot trying to keep my foot straight, and as a result separating the bones, while the muscles in my leg and the third ski patrol fought to keep my leg together causing what felt like a back and forth tug of war with the middle ground being the break point of my bones. This could not have been more than 5 seconds but I can say it felt never ending. You hear of people passing out from pain and I did everything I could to deal and make the ski patrols duty as easy as possible grabbing the table and tensing every muscle in my body with all my might while trying to internalize as much of the screaming as possible. All the while, Sheri in the distance, holding her face fighting back tears knowing there was nothing she could do. And then…as quickly as it started… it was over… the boot was off and I had instant relief. At first I thought the relief I was feeling was just relative. Hey, after the last 5 seconds my leg felt incredible. Anything would be better than that and the endorphins and adrenaline I would have been producing in that moment. Well it was time for it to do it’s thing. But as I sat there I realized most of the other pain I had been feeling was gone as well. Don’t get me wrong. I had snapped my leg in 2. It still didn’t feel great but relatively it was much better. And then I looked down and could see that my leg still didn’t look normal but there was far less displacement. The traction had inadvertently put my leg back closer to where it was supposed to be and that was by far the best it had felt since 10:55 am that morning. By this point in time I was feeling good, thanking the ski patrol, and joking with them again. Russ, who I had spent my morning with (first on site) knowing that I was ok, brought my boot over to me and held it in front of my face and said, “That is what you get for buying fancy ass boots.” It was nice to be with people who could maintain a sense of humour with me in an intense situation. At that point Russ had to go. He shook my hand, smiled and thanked me for the practical training I provided the team and said to me, “You seem to live a pretty good life and have your priorities right. I am certain that you will make a full recovery and be back hear soon. But remember you have 3 7 year olds that really seem to like you.” Now, I do think the last point was more to do with an avalanche than a broken leg at Jay Peak. Either way. Thanks for being there for me Russ.