OK everyone. To start, it turns out that these will not all be chronological. Today I was going to catch up with the drive home, over night in hospital, the surgery day and the first follow up day but today could have been the worst day of my life and my wife will back this up, I had a horrifically painful, frustrating morning. I felt like I was going to die. Good news, my leg did not bug me at all but I have to do this journal/blog while today is still ‘fresh’ as I must give this potential worst day of my life it’s full attention.

NOTE: And this is important, if you have a squeamish stomach this may not be the one for you to read.

WE NEED TO SET THIS UP

It is important that you understand a couple things about me before we get started.

NUMBER 1 - I can be RIDICULOUSLY impatient. Not a great trait I know so I work on it, try and control my impatience and anxiety when I need to wait in line, or when the Tim Horton’s sandwich girl is moving too slow.  I would say at least once a month I will go to a store to get something and literally walk out of line while waiting to pay. Now, from a time standpoint, this doesn’t make sense. I will make the effort to get in my car, on my bike, whatever, to go to the store to get something. I will find it, and bring it to the counter and see there is a line.  I could have driven 15 minutes to get there but this doesn’t matter. I will stand there and ‘try’ the line. Often it will move along but if something goes wrong with a purchase, or the purchaser, something goes wrong inside me. Now, I do not show external frustration in this situation, I do not treat people poorly, I love people and will always treat them like I would want to be treated. And I know. This is my problem and no one else’s but the chaos that starts happening inside me, I will simply put everything down, and walk out and try another day to make this purchase or get Sheri to pick it up. Ultimately wasting, at times, 30 to 45 minutes of my life. Just last month I was at our zoo in Hamilton and hungry. Went to the dollar store next store to grab some nuts, 8 people in line, not bad, I was hungry, I can wait. I made it to next person in line up for service over what felt like a 10 minute period without them calling on a second cashier. The person in front of me was purchasing 10 to 15 items, not bad, but then proceeded to dump her change on the counter and slowly count out her change one by one. This was too much for me. I literally put my purchase down and walked out. Never said a thing and I am certain people thought I may have just realized I forgot my wallet. It pushed me over the edge. In this incident I did feel guilty afterwards as this was a lady in her late 50’s and judging by how she was dressed she probably needed all of that change and had to monetize it for her purchase. What I should have done was take $12 out of my pocket and paid for it but if this was financial, and she was proud, me doing this in front of 8 people in line may have been offensive to her so I didn’t. Had I not been so impatient I could have probably come up with a system or reason to buy her stuff without making her think it was charity, “Hey, someone paid for all my stuff here yesterday and I want to pay it forward and buy yours. Please do that for someone one else in the future.”

NUMBER 2  (Literally) – I do NOT have problems with number 2. I am very regular and can say, in my entire life I have never been constipated. I am like a farm animal that is constantly grazing and constantly producing quality, fibrous offerings to the toilet gods. It is nothing for me to go 4 or 5 times a day. I can feel number 2 asking to come out, stand up, go to the bathroom, wash my hands and get right back to what I am doing in less than 2 minutes easy. I am like the pit crew for Kyle Busch. I am hyper focused, efficient, precise, and live in a world where every second counts.  Queue warning on my pain killer bottle…. ‘May…. ( and I would like to say it said ‘May’ cause constipation…..”

Friday, March 16, 2018

It was a normal day… my leg was broken, I had slept in as I had taken a pain killer at 4:00 am (thanks Sheri for getting that for me), kids had gone to school and I had a great sleep. I greeted my buddy Ian from Toronto and his son as they were down to ski for a couple days and my buddy Mike’s son Kyler and Fion-ski were there to go skiing with Ian and Luke. Everything was normal, I sat in my recliner facing outside at the gorgeous winter day, had my coffee. You know what… it was nearly perfect. And then it happened. I fet it. Number 2 was coming. Not only do I go through this routine a lot. I like it. It feels good and gives me great satisfaction and instant relief. And before someone tells me that is too many times a day. Not the case! I have asked my doctor and he assures me this is great. It means you are active, healthy, and eating a diet high in fiber. This actually reduces some of the health risks associated with male anatomy. As well it is important that you know - I am taking 1/3rd of the regular dosage of the prescribed pain killer about 70% of the recommended time so very low amounts…. ‘May cause constipation’ they say.

Everything felt normal I grabbed the crutches and me and my buddy Number 2 headed for the lieu. Within a few minutes I knew something was wrong. Number 2 was there but being shy. He’s never shy. He is always happy to see me in the morning. Especially after my morning coffee…. What was wrong? I tried adjusting my position and thought, ‘maybe the angle was wrong with the way my leg is sitting?’ Still nothing. I tried to give Number 2 some encouragement with a little tightening of the lower abdominals but something didn’t feel right.  This went on for a few minutes and I started getting a little more aggressive. It was apparent that Number 2 did not want to be my friend. He was being stubborn, but I really had to go and the concept of holding Number 2 in until we get to a better depository… well that is not in the cards for me. When Number 2 starts rearing his handsome little head I usually have about 5 to 10 minutes to greet him. So I tried a super push, lots of encouragement, your typical lines, ‘Common little buddy… daddy needs you’ and no budge. Then I tried a super push while yelling, “Who does Number 2 work for” multiple times… still nothing and I came to realize I have a major problem. I have ‘sh@#’ to do and no time for this. I was getting frustrated. I have ‘sh@#’ to do? Whatever… no I don’t… I am spending my next 37 days on a recliner staring out a window contemplating life but my impatience and frustration was kicking in and kicking my ass… literally. We had a major problem and it needed to be fixed. I can tell you that I was becoming 100 times more anxious about getting Number 2 across the finish line than I was about getting off the mountain on Sunday. The next move….

My buddy Vic across the street called me as I was in negotiations with Number 2. Being a male, I answered the phone as any normal male will do. This is not some quiet, sensitive ritual for me. I explained the problem. By this time Sheri had graciously brought me a glass of water and 2 ex lax and Vic was about to outline how to give a soapy water enema and assured me that he had everything I needed.  That’s weird… and no I didn’t ask… but back to me…  and I should mention that Vic had everything I needed except a nurse to help me that is. Good news… I am the father of triplets… and…  I remember when they were little and had some similar issues. Glycerin pills…. That will do it. 15 minutes later my wish was my command. There was Sheri with the pills. Now if you don’t know what these are I can assure you this is a bit of a process to get them where they need to go but I was 100% committed. By this point in time I was realizing that this may not be Number 2’s fault and feeling guilty about the things I said about him. Number 2 has been a long term friend of mine…. Why would he forsake me…. Maybe he wasn’t… Maybe he was being held hostage….. ‘I gotcha buddy’. I am sending in the reinforcements and in went the first wave….

The instructions are clear! Send in the Calvary and wait 15 minutes to an hour. So I waited. This was tough, I was getting very anxious, very frustrated and very impatient. I needed to know that Number 2 would be OK. I have never experienced anything like this and now, it was getting very painful for me. With the combination of the anxiousness, pain, and impatience I was starting to sweat, felt sick to my stomach, was getting dizzy, and my head and heart were starting to pound. I can honestly say I felt like I had a far larger problem than breaking my leg. This has never happened to me and I felt I had an impossible task ahead. I was trying not to snap at Sheri and blame her for the position she had put Number 2 in but I really was starting to get upset and really didn’t know what to do… especially when the first round of the Calvary failed… and then the second…. The Calvary may not have been able to rescue and return this fallen soldier but we were not giving up. I had intel and I recognized the problem was far ‘larger’ than first anticipated. You see, I had to send the Calvary in, so it was I who got a better idea of the size of the barricade that had been form to keep Number 2 in their grasps. I looked at the glycerin pills and the box of Ex Lax and thought to my self. How are you guys going to break down an apposing force the size and shape of a Spalding baseball, but with something that felt like a rock hard impenetrable shield? These soldiers were tough buy they would be no match for the steel cannonball that was holding Number 2 at bay. Not wanting to loose any more soldiers I dismissed my backup and accepted the fact that if this was going to get resolved. I would have to ‘handle’ this myself.

This is the time in the blog when I am certain that it is best for everyone, and the future of people reading this blog, that I go the next 75 minutes alone. What I can tell you is that it was a hard fought battle that focused on ‘hand to hand’ combat. There were impossible odds. I was truly exhausted and felt like I was going to die. But I did free Number 2. I felt like John Rambo returning to Vietnam to rescue POW’s and raged a non stop battle and in the end, I too was victorious. However, I realized it was my selfishness that led to this. While trying to minimize my pain I abandoned not just another soldier, but a life long friend who has always been there for me. I did not think that my selfish actions would hurt another. But I have learned.

After the battle I had a long bath and a 2-hour nap. I was done! I can say, with 100% certainty, that from about 9:00 am to 11:30 am this morning that I went through more discomfort and pain than I have had at any other time since my first day of recovery on Tuesday.  I can assure you that I will be taking no further prescribed painkillers for this. “Take a stool softener with it” they say…. Not going to happen. No way I am going to risk leaving that solider behind again. Bring on the extra strength Tylenol. I can deal with the 2 broken bones.